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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.